Have You Lost That Lovin' Feelin'?Aug 03, 2020
Relationships go through different seasons much like the rest of the world. Sometimes, things are loving, joyful, and your partnership is functioning like a well oiled machine. Other times, you may be wondering how you ended up where you are, or even worse, why you chose your partner in the first place!
One of the reasons for relationship distance is the disease of being too busy. You're too busy with work, with the kids, afterschool activities, and prepping for the next day. What gets left behind? Your own self care which includes bonding time with your partner. When you're in survival mode, your brain and your body aren't relaxing enough to even think about intimacy or bonding. It's trying to survive the next flight or fight stressor.
The sympathetic nervous system (as controlled by the survival brain) will cause you to make very different choices and priorities than your parasympathetic or relaxed state. In today's modern society, money becomes important to the survival brain. This is because money is what allows us to acquire the things we need for survival such as food and shelter. Because this is the domineering drive, what doesn't actively contribute to that pursuit becomes a lower priority. This means that quality time with your partner is put on hold.
What happens next? Your feelings get hurt (emotional brain) and distance occurs. This distance worsens when our logical brain jumps in and starts pointing out how someone's time could be spent differently. This can lead to passive aggressive tendencies or outright criticism of your partner. This criticism will activate your partner's survival AND emotional brains because they are now under attack! The situation has escalated into a new battle for the survival brain to face. Yikes!
So, how do we reverse this cascade of distance from your partner ? Here are a few proven techniques to get that lovin' feelin' back in your relationship!
1) STOP CRITICIZING!
It's easy to fall into the trap of criticizing your partner because your feelings are hurt! However, this makes the situation far worse and isn't going to foster affectionate feelings coming your way. Your partner may be extremely worried about their job, money, family, etc. Try to understand where their fear is coming from and how it relates to the current distance.
2) TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU NEED
It's highly unlikely that you or your partner is telepathic. If they aren't, then they're going to need you to speak up and communicate what you're thinking and feeling. It can be pretty scary to open up, but it's the most likely thing that's going to lead to change. Make sure that you LISTEN to what you're partner says as well and don't make the conversation all about YOU! There are TWO people's feelings to consider here, and each partner may have a different perception of how and why the distance began and what can be done to eliminate it.
3) REFRAME YOUR THINKING
When distance occurs, it's VERY easy to fall into victim mode because you aren't getting what you feel you need or want. However, victim mode is a very DISEMPOWERED place to be. It makes you feel stuck, aggravated, angry and unmotivated. Relationships don't thrive in this environment. Instead, try to reframe your thinking. What do you love about your partner? Are they a good parent? Provider? Kind hearted? Good with animals? Focus on the things that your partner does well and that you love. This helps shift your energy into GRATITUDE and away from victim mode.
4) SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF NECESSARY
It's always best to address distance as soon as it occurs. The longer that it continues, it can become a habit and worsen the relationship. First, know that it's ok to ask for help! There's no failure in asking for help. In fact, it's a sign of great strength! It shows that you're brave, and motivated to save your relationship because you CARE about your partner! There are many types of trained professionals that can assist you. They may be traditional therapists, energy workers, coaches, or alternative therapists and treatments. Find whatever method feels the best to you and your partner. The most important thing is to make time for each other and to hold that time as SACRED to work on the progression of your relationship.
Dr. April Darley is an expert at resolving stuck patterns of behavior through Neuro-Emotional Technique (N.E.T.). By identifying self-sabotaging behaviors, she can help you regain confidence, improve relationships, remove blocks to health, wealth and success in any area of your life.
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