BSB Ep 68 Love List
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Bitesize Brilliance Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. April Darley, and today's topic was inspired by an Instagram video. I don't normally love social media videos, but this one kind of stopped me in my tracks because I'm studying way more about neuroscience and behavior. So I decided to watch this video as a little bit of an experiment.
And this guy, , I have to stop myself from saying Kid 'cause he's 18, I think, which came out in one of the interviews. And I'm a few weeks from my 50th birthday at the time of this recording. So to me that's, you know, way young. But this guy was asking women on the street, "Would you date me?" And we never know what really goes on in social media, because I'm sure it's heavily edited, heavily curated, to give you the point of view that's gonna have the most shock value.
But of course, all of these women were saying, "No." [00:01:00] And I can understand if he came up to me on the street and an 18-year-old said, Hey, can I date you? My first answer's probably gonna be no, because that's too big of an age gap for me. But if it were someone in their thirties, my answer would probably be maybe.
And here's the thing. We have an inborn security system. It's our survival brain and in business, you've heard the phrase "like, know, trust". That's for real. That's a thing. And your survival brain does that too. So in order for me to like you, I have to know a little bit about you first and to figure out if I wanna date you or if you're safe, then I need to trust you. So a random person coming up that I have had zero contact with said, "Hey, would you date me?" I will say, for a woman, that may trigger your fight or flight instinct a nd it [00:02:00] just depends. on the context. So it's a little bit challenging, and of course it's social media, it's shock value, but we have lost the art of communication since the internet became popular. It has done a lot of damage to us in a neuroscientific way. It's messed up how we receive dopamine, serotonin. It's messed up how we look at the world and it has aggravated some things like our pursuit of the next thing. Our attention spans are shorter, and that's to try to get this dopamine.
We didn't get instant hits of dopamine like we do now. If somebody's checking their phone every couple minutes, if they've posted something, how many likes do I get? How many people shared it? Was it good? Was it perfect? And all of this is tying into your sense of value [00:03:00] and self-worth, and everything is getting scrambled.
But going back to this video, some of the responses this guy got I thought were a little bit unfair, and what I wanted to talk about today was sometimes your perception of what you think you want or the list of what you want is getting in the way of actually getting what you want. It's a barrier to happiness.
Some of the women came out with some very valid things. Like he asked a few women who were in their fifties or sixties, "Hey, would you date me?" and a lot of them were like, "No, the age gap is too big". And he was trying to overcome these objections like age is just a number and I get that , can be true.
But there again, it goes to that like, know, trust factor. If we like you, then we might filter that. But for a total stranger? No, I mean, it goes against a [00:04:00] value system or a boundary that you've created or something that you think is appropriate, whatever filter that is for you. So he, of course, it got the no, but some women were like, "No, look at your shoes, look at your clothes, you're just not attractive you're not my type." And okay, fair. If you're not the type, you know that's fair. But the clothes and the shoes, I thought that was a little bit unfair because those things can be swapped out easily. And it's not about the clothes, it's the person. Clothes don't make the man. Right? That's that whole saying.
So I found that interesting and it goes along to some women. I have helped many women create an idea. of who they want in their life. Because there are three things that give us the most stress in life. The first one is money, which is money, job, career, your finances, all the material things. The second is love.
That's everyone you've ever [00:05:00] loved. Everyone who's ever loved you, and the love you feel for yourself. And the third category is ourselves. It's everything we think or believe to be true about ourselves. Our self stories, our identity, our perceptions. These three things can really jump up and sabotage us in a variety of different ways.
Now, for people who have created the perfect partner list, they put some things on there that to me are optional. Like they need to be six two or six four, the blue eyes, brown eyes, like finance, you know, all of these things. But does that really matter? And if you think, yes, that matters, and that if I have anyone shorter than six five or if there's any other eye color besides blue, "I would be compromising my values".
Okay? You're allowed to have that, opinion for yourself, but if I could submit an opposing opinion, there might be an amazing person for [00:06:00] you, but their eye color's brown. There might be an amazing person for you, but they're only five eight or five 10. How important is that really? Sometimes I will have my clients split their desires into three categories.
Category number one is the must have. These are qualities that your person has to have. For example, if I were trying to manifest this perfect partner I'm gonna put on there, my must have is that the person is kind, that they're witty, they're funny, they're intelligent, they're social. Notice I did not say anything about height or eye color in that those are variable to me or what kind of shoes a person wears.
But these are like core values that are really important to them, to me. What must have, be kind to animals, you know, be honest. These are traits, these are values that can help foster communication and better relationships. How tall you are, your eye color, your [00:07:00] shoes, don't do those things. The second category is what would be nice to have, and this is where you can put those things in that are your preferences. The six, five, the blue eyes, good with computers, handy around the house, and they're nice to have because they're not necessarily going to make or break a relationship, but it's your preference. So that's the category of preference. And the final category is deal breaker. These are the things that you absolutely will not tolerate.
This could be lying, cheating, abuse, drugs, whatever's a deal breaker for you. And when you split these things out, it gives you a clear idea of what really matters to me versus what do I just think is important. I don't wanna use words like superficial or deep, but there is an element of that in there. Some people have the belief that I'm gonna make this list and if my ideal partner [00:08:00] or my dream or my goal is not everything on this list that I'm settling, that I'm compromising. And if I just hold out long enough, I'll get everything on this list. He can have six, five blue eyes finance. Trust fund,
But you, at some point you have to realize, you have attached more feeling to perfection than you have to reality. And your list or how rigid you are about the list could be the very thing that is holding you back from your happiness. I recently spoke with a client and my client insists on a partner looking a particular way. And so I'm trying to unravel that a little bit for her and figure out why is this important. I asked her if somebody came up and asked you to dance and he wasn't a nine outta 10, like he wasn't the male model version of what your [00:09:00] dream is. Would you still say yes to the dance?
And she's like, "probably not". And I had to kind of reframe this. I was like, okay, I get that somebody appearing in the pages of a magazine is what you would prefer, but this person approaching you, they had to have a lot of courage to approach you. If you got to know them, you may find that they are a really great values match, that they make you laugh, that they're really smart, that they do have this stable career.
They might even have a trust Right. They may have something that is more important to you than these optional things, but if you are so dedicated to the list, if you let your preferences become your deal breakers, then you could be sabotaging your own happiness in a lot of different ways. It's a fine line we're walking here. Because I do believe you need to have standards. You [00:10:00] need to have preferences. These things matter. You need to have boundaries. But I also want you to look at things and go, "How important is this really?" and could I be sabotaging myself? Could I build more flexibility into this list?
How much of this list was made from arrogance and ego versus what would actually make me happy? There is this piece of ourselves that thinks that if I just get what I want, I'll be happy. It's the happily Ever After Delusion. I even recorded a separate episode. Check the podcast I think it's even called Happily Ever After: Why this can be the worst thing that's ever happened to you. So check the podcast list. I don't have the number in my mind right now of which one that is, but when we hold onto this fantasy of happily ever after and we look at reality and go, "Nope, doesn't match my fantasy", then we end up staying in a fantasy.
And then the happiness just becomes a vague concept, not something you actually get to [00:11:00] experience, and it's because of a rigidity of thinking, inflexible thinking, and not being able to discern what matters. to you actually, and not being able to discern reality from fantasy and getting caught up in ego, arrogance, and perfection. I'm a big fan of the phrase, check yourself before you wreck yourself. And I think we need to have self-awareness and check in a lot of the times. Or we need to have a good support system, friends, coaches, therapists that can g ive us different perceptions and different points of view for our consideration.
At the end of the day, the choices are yours.
I'm willing to consider lots of different things as long as they didn't have anything on my absolute deal breaker list, and they had the qualities that I think really matter for good communication and good relationships. So you gotta know yourself at the end of the day, . The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself.
And if you are letting arrogance and ego t ake the driver's seat that can lead you astray from what [00:12:00] actually matters and your true happiness. So this is food for thought inspired by a wacky social media video. But if you are single out there and you are looking, really stop and consider, am I looking from a place of ego, arrogance, superficiality, perfection, rigid thinking, or am I h olding true to some standards, some values, some boundaries, and what line am I not willing to cross? At the end of the day, as long as you're happy, that's okay, but narrowing the pool that is available to you typically either doesn't work. It takes a really long time to work. Or still has elements of dissatisfaction because perfection is not attainable.
That's not real. And if you are so dialed into the fantasy that you reject the reality, you suffer. And I don't want that for you. I want us all to be happy in [00:13:00] whatever way that happens. And I want us all to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves. So self-awareness is a huge piece of the game. If you need some help with that, let me know.
I offer free consultations 20 minutes by phone where we can talk about, Hey, what areas of your life are you feeling this sense of disappointment. That nothing's working, that you've lost a little bit of hope, or you need some clarity. You need help with your discernment. You need help with boundaries, and you want to improve your life overall in those three major areas: Money, Love, and You., and when you're ready to do that kind of work. I have a system for you. It's called the Bespoke Brain System, and this helps you look at things from the like, know, trust factor so that you feel safe making these changes. Liking yourself, loving yourself, knowing what you want, and taking action to go do it, and trusting yourself that it's gonna happen [00:14:00] and that you can do it.
All right, my friends. I will see you next week. In the meantime. Let me know if I can help you. April darley.com, book that consultation and I look forward to chatting with you. Bye.
