What Will You Do To Avoid Judgement?
Sep 17, 2020
During a session, my clients often tell me they're afraid to do something they want because they're worried about being judged by others.
What is it about the concept of judgment that makes it seem so terrible?
When we're very young, we start to worry about disappointing others like our parents, teachers, or friends. If we get into trouble, then we're afraid of the consequences and what might happen if we're not absolutely perfect. Eventually, this fear expands to work, romantic partners, and children. Many people in this phase will suppress their true desires to avoid being rejected.
This begins the deepest fear:
rejection-->abandonment-->being alone
This pattern kicks the survival brain into high gear because being alone decreases your chances of survival.
So, to this brain, judgement= alone =death. No wonder judgement feels so terrible!
The next possibility is from spiritual or religious conditioning. The doctrine of many religions often includes the concept of a final judgment where your misdeeds are weighed against the good you've done in your life. The final accounting determines your fate for eternity.
That's a pretty heavy concept!
If someone has low self-esteem or self-worth, then this can create extreme anxiety about "doing the right thing". Suddenly, you're questioning everything you do and afraid to make any decisions because it might be the "wrong" thing.
This creates the next fear:
judgement-->unworthy-->suffering
This pattern also contributes to feeling lost or stuck as a side effect.
We all have minor to major issues with judgement. It can present itself as anxiety around what you do or say, fitting in, staying in situations or relationships longer than you should because you don't want to be alone, suppressing your wants and desires because others may not like it, people pleasing, and social isolation.
These are all issues with feeling or BEING judged, but what if you're the one judging others? How does that happen?!
"Can you look without the voice inside your head commenting, drawing conclusions, comparing, or trying to figure something out?"
-Eckhart Tolle
If you've ever taken a personality profile test like the Meyers-Briggs, then you know that Judgement could be a part of your personality makeup. In this context, judgement means that you're focused, somewhat controlling, have a need to plan or stay organized, and may be a perfectionist. There's a certain way you want things done, and how they're done matters! This type of thinking could lead you to focus on the fine details instead of the big picture, or pick things (and people) apart if they don't fit into your perceived grand plan.
So, I have a confession to make...I'm a INFJ on the Meyers-Briggs personality profile. That's right, I'm a judger! Most of the time, I'm not an insufferable judgy-pants because I'm also an Empath and I care about people. I want people to feel loved and accepted. It's been an important part of my practice to make people feel safe and entirely welcome, not judged!!!
If you're a judger, then it doesn't mean you're a terrible person. The positive side of your nature means that you're incredibly astute, organized, and great at planning. However, you may have a tendency to be hard on yourself or others.
My judgy side comes out when I'm watching reality tv shows. Yep, I'm that person who's critiquing their performance. Sigh. I'm certainly not perfect and it's good to be reminded when I've gotten a little too big for my britches! If you're a judger, then catching yourself, having trusted friends or family give you reminders, then doing work to clear your blocks around expectations gives you a sense of peace and purpose.
Being judged, feeling judged, and even judging others is a completely normal human experience. We all have certain perceptions and expectations that color our reactions and experiences. We're not perfect! However, holding onto guilt, fear, and shame about being judged or judging others only leads to YOUR suffering.
If you'd like a consultation to see how emotional strength coaching can help you, then click here to book your free consultation.
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April Darley N.D. is an Emotional Strength Coach specializing in helping Empaths/Highly Sensitive People (HSP's) feel better, and function better by releasing stress, anxiety, pain, and sabotaging behavior. Through the combination of coaching and emotional release techniques, you'll learn how to step into your own power, comfortably deal with life's challenges, and stay calm and balanced.
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