How To Make Friends As An Empathic Introvert

Have you ever watched a child make friends on the playground?

They just walk right up to another kid and say, "Hey, do you want to be friends and play together?" Then, off they go. 

They make it look so easy!

When you're an adult, especially an empathic introvert, making friends can be particularly challenging. You may feel shy, uncomfortable leaving the house to socialize, or like you're not interesting enough to attract other people. Plus, there's the whole empathic or extra sensitivity piece that can make mingling with crowds and strangers draining at times. 

People are often surprised when I tell them I'm an introvert. It's true! I think that I had extrovert potential, but I wasn't allowed to express it as a child. My dad was a serious introvert himself and didn't allow any of my friends to come over. I was rarely allowed to go to anyone's house for parties, sleepovers, and play time. Because of this, I got extremely comfortable being alone and it pushed me firmly into introvert territory. However, every now and then I tap into my extrovert potential when I'm networking, speaking, or mingling. Lots of introverts have an inner reservoir of extrovert juju just waiting for them to tune in and let it shine. 

So, how do you make friends as an empathic introvert and tap into your extrovert potential?

Here are some of my tried and true tips. 

1) Belly up to the bar. 

Whenever I'm at a networking event, party, or wedding where I don't really know anyone and I'm feeling awkward, I stand next to the bar. As an introvert, this is an excellent strategy! Because the bar tends to be a stopping point for lots of people during the event, I get a chance to strike up conversations as they wait for their drinks. I've made some really great connections this way and have even spent entire networking events without ever leaving the safety of my little comfort zone.

If you don't drink, then you can still use this strategy. For a little extra fun, you can ask the bartender to put your cranberry juice in a martini glass, your ginger ale in a champagne glass, or your soda in a short glass with a lemon or lime twist. This will take away the objection (or fear) that you have to drink to fit in. Not true! You just have to show up where the people are and get ready to mingle!

2) Plan out a few conversation starters.

When you're "bellied up to the bar" as I like to call it, then it's helpful to have a few opening lines to get the conversation flowing. If you've ever been networking, then some classic questions include, "What kind of work do you do? How long have you lived in the area? What's your specialty? What drew you to that line of work?" etc. 

In other social situations like at the bar, you might say something like, "Your drink looks interesting. What is it? (Ex. Vodka tonic) Then a follow up like "What's your favorite vodka? Have you ever been to this place before? How do you know the bride or groom? 

Every savvy networker will tell you to get someone talking about themselves, keep eye contact, nod, or ask follow up questions to show your interest. This is a great ice-breaker and eventually the conversation will turn back to you and give you the opportunity to shine and share about yourself. 

3) Be courageous and take charge.

Ok empaths, introverts and shy friends, this piece of advice will probably cause your gut to clench a little. I recommend that YOU be the one to take initiative and make some baby steps toward connection. I have several clients who want to make friends, but they're waiting for someone to magically ask them or seek them out. That's really hard if you barely leave the house!

When I first moved to Texas, I knew 4 people (2 ex-boyfriends, 1 ex-boss and one old friend) in different parts of the state. My social calendar was empty! So, I spent a few months going to different networking events and signed up as a vendor for a holistic fair every other month. At the networking events, I started out sitting with a few of the same people over and over each week. I spent extra time getting to know them a little better before expanding my circle. I didn't rush anything because I was still feeling shy. I just happened to meet my good friend Jen at the holistic fair when she stopped by my booth to ask some questions. I mentioned that I just moved here from Arizona, and it turns out so did she! Then, we started chatting about the differences between Arizona vs Texas and hit it off. Just like that. Then, we made plans for lunch and our friendship took off from there.

Whenever you meet someone you're interested in as a friend, be consistent to keep in contact with them through texts, social media, play dates etc. so that your friendship can continue to grow. Don't wait on them to always be the one to invite you to do things. Otherwise, the other person may feel as if you're not very interested in them. 

4)  Join local or social media groups.

If you need to brush up your social skills, get involved with groups on social media like Facebook. There are groups for every kind of interest. You can jump in there and be helpful to others while making some connections. Local groups like Meetup, or specialty groups like mom groups, jogging groups etc. are places to find others that you'll have some sort of immediate common interest. From there, you can continue building new friendships.

I've also found it extremely helpful to let others know that you're looking to meet new friends. I can't tell you the number of times I've been in a Facebook group and someone mentioned that they're looking for new friends because they've moved to the area, want to share interests, or just feel like they're lonely. The responses are overwhelmingly positive and uplifting. 

In one empath group I belong to on Facebook, a man asked if there were any other empaths in his area. Several people replied and he asked if they would like to come over for a potluck dinner. He was feeling lonely and like no one understood him as an empath. A week later he reported that 8 other empaths joined him, and he had the best evening in years. They plan to get together often, and he found a new circle of friends. 

We all need connection of some sort in our lives. Humans are social creatures by nature even though many of us are introverts or loners. If you've been avoiding social contact as an empath or sensitive person, then I recommend you check out my book, Empath Armor: How To Ground, Cleanse, And Protect Your Energy As A Sensitive Person available on Amazon HERE.  It's a quick start guide to feeling better immediately in any kind of situation. 

If you'd like to see how emotional strength coaching can help you let go of anxiety and feel more confident, then click here to book your free consultation. 

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April Darley N.D. is an Emotional Strength Coach specializing in helping Empaths/Highly Sensitive People (HSP's) feel better, and function better by releasing stress, anxiety, pain, and sabotaging behavior. Through the combination of coaching and emotional release techniques, you'll learn how to step into your own power, comfortably deal with life's challenges, and stay calm and balanced.