3 Steps To Figure Out What You Want

Last weekend, I watched a Reese Witherspoon Rom-Com called How Do You Know? The plot was common in that her life was a disaster and then she found love in the midst of it. She'd been fired from the USA Olympic softball team after dedicating her entire life training and working towards that goal. Understandably, she was devastated and found herself at a crossroads. 

In one scene, she decided to go to a therapist. When the therapist asked her why she was there, she said "I have one month left on my insurance and they pay for six visits". Clearly, the therapist had been expecting a different answer. She didn't really know WHY she was there, but thought it would be a good idea to talk to someone. Unfortunately, she chickened out and left before the session even began! On her way out the door, she asked the therapist for one piece of advice based on his experience of helping people. He said this, "Figure out what you want. Then, figure out a way to ask for it". 

I see so many people suffering because they either don't know what they want or if they do, then they don't ask for it. There are many reasons why it's difficult to tune into what you really want. Here are a few of the most common ones. 

*What you want may hurt or seem unfair to others. So, you keep quiet about it. Eventually, you just learn stay quiet to ensure that others are happy. 

*When you were a child, you asked for things but never got them. Eventually, you learned that it was useless to ask for what you want. Either no one listened, or you never got it anyway. The lesson you learned (subconsciously) is that what you want doesn't matter. 

*You view yourself and your own needs as less worthy or valuable than others. So, it's better that they get what they want and you just go along with it. This way of thinking inevitably leads to overwhelm and unhappiness. 

*You go along with what others want to avoid arguments and keep the peace. 

When you don't know what you want, then you may feel lost, inadequate, angry, or unhappy. It seems like life is better for other people and they have it all figured out while you're floundering. 

I used to admire my best friend Kirstin's absolute clarity on what she would be doing in the next 5 years. Whenever someone asked me what my 5 year plan was I would cringe! I had some things figured out, but mostly I felt like I was winging it in terms of my business and personal life. The good news is that clarity is a skill and it can be developed. 

When you're trying to get clarity on exactly what it is that you want, here are a few of my top tips. 

1) Figure out what's important to you and define what you like. 

If you feel absolutely lost about what you like or want, then start by asking yourself questions like: What's my favorite food, band, movie, color, etc.? What's my dream travel destination? What is my favorite style of home (get specific with location, bedrooms etc.)? What are some things I can't live without? What are some values that are important to me? What's my dream job? List anything you can about yourself, what you like, or what you'd like to do in the future. You can even find books that are filled with these kinds of prompts to help you journal and discover what you like. 

2) Make decisions and identify why you made them. 

People who aren't in-touch with what they want tend to be very indecisive. Even small decisions like what to wear or eat for dinner can cause a rush of anxiety. Making decisions and identifying why you made them will help you begin to clarify your own desires even more. For example, "I'm going to wear the green shirt today because it brings out my eyes", or "I don't want pizza for dinner because it's too greasy". 

3) Put yourself first. 

It sounds simple, but if you're a people-pleaser, then this is probably the hardest one of all! Here's the thing, putting yourself first (i.e. in a self-care capacity) doesn't make you selfish. You need a little time to figure out what makes you tick without being influenced by other people. You may have to set boundaries with others and stop feeling guilty if you have to say no for a little while. After all, this is your future happiness we're talking about!

 As humans, we're hardwired to be afraid of the unknown. The unknown makes things feel unsafe. When you don't have a clear view of yourself and what you want, then you're a great big unknown! It won't feel safe to just be you. You'll try to do and be certain things, but not all of them will be a good fit. if you're afraid of judgment from others, being viewed as selfish, and asserting your preferences, then emotional strength and confidence coaching can help you release these fears and embrace the real you. 

Click HERE  and let's get started!

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April Darley N.D. is an Emotional Strength Coach specializing in helping Empaths/Highly Sensitive People (HSP's) feel better, and function better by releasing stress, anxiety, pain, and sabotaging behavior. Through the combination of coaching and emotional release techniques, you'll learn how to step into your own power, comfortably deal with life's challenges, and stay calm and balanced.